Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I'm confused.

You know how they keep telling you that when you're looking for a partner you should look at the big things and sort of "close one eye" to the small, little, less important things?

Here's a video of Try by P!nk.  I think which symbolise how I'm trying now. But there is a whole lot of difference because it seems in my condition, the absence of problem is the problem. The emptiness of some sort. Well listen to the words in this song, my thoughts and this whole post may seem to you as delusional? but hey, maybe there are people out there who think the same things that i think.

By the BIG things here, I mean:
1) principles
2) moral
3) the way you look at things in life

By the SMALL things here, I mean:
1) sharing the same sense of humour
2) common interests
3) way of life
4) aspirations

well, based on logical thinking and reasoning, I do agree that this is the way to go.

But somehow, when you are in that kind of relationship, that logical relationship, you would start thinking, where do all the sparks go? That spark which gives you butterflies in you stomach, that instant sensation you get when you're looking into his eyes, that 'electric zzzzing' when you're touching each other, that spontaneous small crease in your lips formed everytime you caught sight of him, looking at you, straight at you, that playful and wicked smile.

Well do you think this whole paragraph I wrote above was the small things that should not be considered at all in a relationship?

Everyone has a soulmate, right? Well, actually I don't believe in soulmates of any sort really. What I do believe is that you should not settle for anything that is just "a nice addition to your current life". You should find someone who completes you, make you whole, strengthen you and support you in areas where you need most, where you PERSONALLY think is the most important. You should not conform to what the society categorizes as the BIG things.

Every individual is different, we have our own mouth each, we have one brain each, we have one heart each. Our hearts have different personalised heartbeat. We can't control them. They are like that just the way they are. We cannot psycho our hearts into following other people's heartbeat rhythm.

Everyone should strive for their own happiness.

But i'm confused at times:
* when is it ok to just settle for less ? Is it ever ok ?
* is it ok to try to be happy or pretend to be happy? say for someone else? will that someone else be truly happy then? or maybe not someone else, how about for your family? as in trying to make your family happy
* will we ever find happiness ?

and most of all, the most important question(s) that I need answer/s to is:

Will I ever fall in love? Will I be aware of it happening?

I don't want to be emotional. I don't mean to be a drama queen. I don't like drama queens and I sure hope I'm not turning into one soon. I am very doubtful now. I know I shouldn't even be thinking of these kind of things, I've got no time. and I'm quite sad that I can't ask people directly because that would create so much trouble and will leave the wrong impressions I'm afraid, or people would think that there are problems when there really is nothing wrong (if based on the generally accepted category of being well), and I don't want anybody to feel hurt. What if it became plutonic? What happens then? If only I can know if he's feeling what I'm feeling right now, it will be so much easier if we can consult/confront each other on this. Nobody gets hurt hopefully.

Is it just because I don't feel appreciated enough? or loved enough?

so here comes the number five of the list of the SMALL things (according to society's view)

5) whether you feel you are loved/appreciated enough

but then again, have I loved enough?


~one confused girl,

p.s. it will be nice if you can comment on how to find love in the person you're with right now. how do you fall in love with your partner. Thanks and have a good day then.

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